


Cast-Off/Cast-On

by BlossomofFireandRain



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Flashbacks, Growing up in shitty situations, Highschool senior with a freshie, M/M, Most of the really shitty tags are because of a flashback, New Beginnings, Oh man where do I even fucking start?, POV Karkat Vantas, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Imbalance, Suicide Attempt Mention, There is no actual onscreen abuse, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5161538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlossomofFireandRain/pseuds/BlossomofFireandRain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You met Cronus Ampora when you were 13. 13 and stuck in the dank shitty pool that was highschool. </p><p>It's been over 10 years, but somehow that name is still fucking imprinted on your brain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashbacks are a bitch

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not actually sure how high a rating this will hit at the moment, I guess we'll just have to see.

You can’t breath. 

You can’t, the air rushes by your ears, and none of it makes it down your throat, and you feel like you’re fucking drowning, eyes stuck open but seeing nothing. 

It’s like that name fucking hit your hearducts and nothing existed anymore, you thought you were fucking over this, at least enough not to be affected like this!

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You met Cronus Ampora when you were 13. 13 and stuck in the dank shitty pool that was highschool, one of the smallest and youngest, caught right on that fucking dividing line that they use to figure out which year you start school, and angry as fuck. Depressed too. Fucking brain shittiness, starting up as puberty hit, you had no fucking clue why you couldn’t just _function_ anymore. And that of course is the time Cronus Ampora stepped into your life. You were angry and lost, and you felt shitty all the time, and look! Here was a fucking person who seemed to see that shittiness and still have time for you! He was bigger and leaner than you, didn’t look like a fucking ambulatory brick, was on the fucking football team of all things, and somehow he was okay being around you. Maybe if you’d been older you would have smelled the bullshit sooner, but somehow in that mess you never thought to wonder if maybe it wasn’t you. 

6 months later, you never talk to any of your old friends anymore, you’re desperately trying not to flunk all your classes, and you’re no longer a virgin. That last one was good, right? You’re ahead of your time, he says, “ ‘s good thing too, considering this inner tube you got around your waist.” You start dieting. You weren’t lucky enough to share any classes with anyone else, so somehow it’s not super noticeable that you’re not eating at lunch, that you spend all your time with a senior, coughing on his smoke or maybe just making out. He likes you in all your shittiness, even when he points that shittiness out, and the best you can do is try to change for him, right? It’s why you go to all the games, even though you don’t even like football. It’s why you learn the rules and remember to congratulate Cronus on every play, why you’re there for him when it’s a bad game, why you go to those loud smokey parties with him, why you don’t eat, why you stop watching romcoms, why you try to learn to shoot, why you suck him off behind the gun range. 

Summer is worse. Someone catches on. You don’t even know who, you just know suddenly Cronus hates you. He hates you, he hates you so much, you messed up, you fucked up, why didn’t you try to change harder, is it because you failed a class and had to do summer school? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He keeps saying that you messed up, but we can be friends, chief, if you just clean up your act, and you keep trying so much, he’s the only one that cares if you exist, you have to fix it, you have to-!

Sollux catches you the night you figure out you can’t fix it and try to end it. He tries to fucking hard to convince you to tell, but fuck that, fuck it all, fuck, no. You’re not gonna expose your shame of being cast off to anyone else. It’s bad enough you accidentally blubbered it out to Sollux, he looked so fucking horrified, you disappointed him too, you disappointed everyone. 

That night Sollux holds you tight and cries, and it takes you years to understand why. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of this replays through your head, every smirk, everything you ever did that you ever regretted, every time you opened yourself up and let him see you at your stupidest, your most foolish, every time rocks bit into your knees, cause he made you take your pants off and suck him off while jacking yourself off (he liked that, he liked that a lot), every fragile part of you screams in fucking panic and you’re frozen, you’re frozen glass, one more increase of pressure and you might shatter, you’re-.....

Staring into Captor’s fucking worried face, and Kanaya looks pale. 

“Do...You Want Me To Introduce You Later?”

“Fuck. Yesth. Give usth a moment. “

Sollux is dragging you, trying to pull you down the hall, and you can feel him trying to be gentle even if his bird-boned fucking fingers bites into your arm and shoulder. 

“Shhhh. Fucking Shhh. I sthaw him, it’s not him, it’s not, you’re okay, I’d punch histh fucking face in if it wasth.” Warm bony arms wrap around you, and you get enough glimpse of jade chiffon before your face is forcibly pushed into Sollux’s shoulder to know you’re in Kanaya’s bedroom. You can finally feel your fingers again. 

“Captor. Sollux. You’re lisping.” 

“Yesth- Yes, I fucking know, you fucking had a meltdown for obvious reasons, and maybe I’m a little unsettled. That I wanna smack Kanaya for but it’s not like she knew.”

“it’s been over 10 fucking years, I should be over it. I should-”

“Oh my god, I’m gonna fucking shove one of Kanaya’s obnoxious draperies into your mouth if you continue that thought. Holy crap, KK. Holy crap. Who the fuck ever is completely okay with that? Remember fucking AA!?”

You do…..actually….. You wanna make some excuse about how you should, you are an exception, you should be able, but reason is taking control again, and you’re starting to remember you were at a christmas party hosted by one of your best friends, so even if it sucks, you think you wanna go out there and be with her, you just had a completely fucking normal reaction to a n- Oh. 

“You sure it wasn’t him?” Bony arms still dig into you as Sollux does his best to fucking wrap himself around you, despite being like a foot shorter than you. 

“Yeah. Some other douchbag. Looked like a fucking hipster with black hair and some fucking purple streak down the middle. Completely obnoxious scarf and blocky glasses to top it off.” 

You’re intensely grateful for Sollux’s weird knack for details, you couldn’t imagine your first ex ever wearing a scarf, much less glasses. The details throw off the mental train in your head, and you find your breath slowing and noticing Sollux’s ridiculous knee more and more, what the fuck are his bones made out of, broken glass? 

“Okay. I’m fucking breathing, can you get your knee out of my thigh before I get a completely new piercing? I know you want me to, but I doubt that’s the prime location you were considering.” 

It takes a bit before you can convince Sollux to let you up, but you both make your way back into the front rooms and kitchen, and you get to watch Sollux eat like 4 times his weight in snacks, holy fuck, where does he even put it? You even manage to find Kanaya under her barrage of guests, and she gives you such a sharp-eyed look that you know you’re gonna be talking about it later, and honestly, you kind of…want that. 

You’re curled up on a couch, munching your way through ridiculously delicious little cracker snacks while you wait for your turn in this ridiculous white elephant game (Sollux got a fucking granny panty and bra set, Dave stole them and started modeling them, Sollux then picked a record labeled “Never gonna Give you up” and nearly started crying.), when you notice the guy next to you, and realize he must be ‘douchbag hipster’ with the unfortunate shared last name as he who must not be named. 

It’s…relieving, actually. Sollux was right, this guy doesn’t look anything like Cronus. Yeah, he’s tall, but he’s built like a fucking reed, you can even tell that through his fucking ridiculous sweater. And where Cronus was all blond, tan, and looked like he was a fucking model (of skeeviness), this guy is pale with black hair, except that purple streak, and a nose that looked like it’d been broken before. Twice. Weirdly enough, it makes you feel nicer towards him, this complete difference, the nose that could only be graciously termed as ‘strong’. It makes the differences more clear, and when he tries to suppress a smile at Dave and Feferi’s antics over the granny panties, you feel relieved. You can’t imagine Cronus ever not taking a moment like this to ridicule someone, maybe turn it into a overly intimate sexual innuendo. 

While you’re taking this in, hipster notices you’ve been looking at him for the last 5 minutes, and glances over. “What, I got something on my face?”

“Uh, no, sorry. Um. I was supposed to get introduced to you earlier, I’m Karkat. Sorry about that.” His face blanks for a moment, and then visibly ‘oh’s. 

“Oh, no, don’t worry about that, it happens. I’m Eridan.” 

You know he saw at least a little of your frozen meltdown, and even though he looks like he wants to ask, he still had the grace to just brush it off, and okay, yeah. You hate everyone, but you hate this guy a little less for that. 

“Wanna go raid the food table while these chumps argue over shitty presents?”

“Oh fuck, there’s still food left? Hell yes.” His eyes light up with a grin, and you think this could be the start of something better.


	2. Chapter 2

You are, admittedly, very dopey right now. You and Kanaya and Sollux are all curled up on the couch after the festivities, and you are not. Moving. Not for anything. Best place in the world, consign you to your fate of being covered in blankets and the overly familiar cuddles of both the boniest person you know, and the softest. You are completely okay with this. 

Kanaya's curled against your right side, feet pulled up under her, head flopped on your shoulder, looking so peaceful it should end every war in the world simply by the sheer sincerity. Sollux's on your left, legs flopped over your lap, head against the couch arm, and looking like he's actually fallen asleep and is drooling on himself. This is so much like the two of them, and bracketed by them nothing's really on your mind beyond the sleepy warmth and full belly pulling you after Sollux. 

"I Realize You Haven't Brought It Up Yet, But What Happened earlier?"

Whelp. Shit. You're awake now. Not on guard though, because as much as this topic is sensitive and sore like the burned and sandpapered asshole of existence, you still.....you haven't talked to anyone about it aside from Sollux and the therapist you ended up seeing. You kind of _want_ to tell Kanaya, maybe let her see the more painful bits. She's a good friend, maybe it's okay.

"Uh."

From somewhere in the vicinity of the couch arm, Sollux's voice pipes ups.

"Want me to, KK?" He sounds faux casual, and you realize he's giving you and out, but at the same time you think you want to say it yourself."

"No. Uh. I'll. Fuck. Let me." 

Kanaya's hand rubs over your shoulder, and even though you should know that it's just Kanaya, that you're in her living room, cuddled between two people that would rather shoot themselves in the foot before hurting you, you still cringe a second, caught up in memories as you try to word them.

"Fuck." You look up at the ceiling. And then you finally start.

"When I was starting highschool I met a guy named Cronus. And you know, it's high school, and everyone hates themselves, and I did too, and then there was Cronus." 

You have to laugh, a short sharp laugh, more bite than humor. 

"You know, I say that, and it's like it's a whole fucking chapter break. Before Cronus, During Cronus, and Post Cronus. It just. It kind of changed everything. At the time he seemed kind of cool. Like now I know he's a fucking douche and a half, but then it seemed like he was the only one who saw me as I really was. And even liked me! They don't prepare you for assholes, like no, we get a whole fucking class on saying no to drugs, but assholes? Man, embrace the assholes! He just....like....he seemed to know I was pathetic and was okay with it. Even wanted to better me! But instead it was all just a big play for getting his dick wet, and I was the unwitting volunteer for freshman/senior romance of the century. Like... At first it wasn't so bad, we hung out, it was nice to have someone around, and he played to my self-loathing complex. But then he just... It was like this slow avalanche into horrible. First it was just 'experimenting', showing me the ropes, giving me some experience so I could 'woo' the girls later, but then it started getting more and more hands-y....."

You have to stop, feeling everything in your pelvis, your abdomen tighten in revulsion, as if you could keep anything out or off your body by sheer muscular effort. 

"I didn't realize until much later that he'd almost been systematically cutting me off from people. Why, I can only fucking assume he didn't want anyone notice. Because that's ultimately what saved me, in the end."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gravel in your knees, he's shoved you off of him, when you took your cue about how you weren't worth it to go for his fly. 

"It's just not gonna wvork, chief. Wve're too different, I'm cool and put together, and you're, vwell, you. It's chill, though, wve can still be friends, right? All you havwe to do is get your act together..." 

You don't believe him. He does this sometimes, you just-! You just! What did he want you to do that you wouldn't do yet? You're trying to lose weight, you promise! Maybe he just wants freedom to try his skills on someone else? You just. You just have to back away and let him, he'll be okay in private, right? What can you do to make it better?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You suck air through your teeth, and then grit them, trying to remember how to talk. 

"I still don't know who realized that something funny was going on between him and the shrimpy freshman, but someone did, and asked him about it, and he got scared. I didn't know that by that time he'd gotten a history of really questionable conduct and girls complaining about him, he'd told me it'd all been some bitch who hated him, and I was stupid enough to believe him."

Somehow Sollux has wormed his way against your side, and is kneading at one arm, and you're so fucking grateful, for both the contact, and that he didn't choose anyplace more 'intimate' than that.

"I was a fucking mess. Like. Capital M Mess. Now I can't even tell you what I saw in that scumbag, but. Um. Sollux, uh. Yeah, Sollux caught me. About a month after Cronus called it off, I tried to kill myself, I'd finally figured out he was never gonna take me back, and I just. It wasn't worth it, anymore... I felt ruined, horrible, because I'd fucked up with the one person who was willing to have me, flaws and all, except I hadn't. And Sollux was, weirdly enough, fed up with my distant bullshit, and showed up at my house as I was tying a noose in the garage. Uh. Shit, I should have said that nicer. Fuck. But he kind of fucking went the whole friendship championship thing, and fucking put me on suicide watch, wouldn't leave my fucking house, somehow convinced his dads and my dad that this was totally where he needed to be, and ripped the story out of me. Thanks, by the way." 

You're trying to be casual, you don't want to see Kanaya's eyes do that thing where they look both horrified and instantly distanced, like you're nothing more than a horrible front page tragedy, but instead Kanaya very carefully lays a hand over one of yours and says

"If It Would Be Okay With You, I Would Like To Tell You A Story About A Girl Named Vriska."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever have characters that you've entirely worked out their pasts and histories, but when you try to put them into text, it all kind of flops?
> 
> Speaking of which, I fucking love this AU's Kanaya. She's so lovely.

**Author's Note:**

> I want you to imagine 5'2" shrimp Sollux Punching 6'4" muscleboy Cronus in the face. It would go about as well as you can imagine. 
> 
> Cast-off/cast-on are knitting terms, referencing ending/beginning a piece of knitting. 
> 
> You can find me at NuclearVampire.tumblr.com


End file.
